Guest Guru: Alisa Singer – Dear Gab…
Letter to Grumpy Aging Boomer (Gab)
By humorist Alisa Singer
My husband and I have been married for 22 years. He is a long distance truck driver that enjoys fishing and bowling in his free time. Plus he’s handy around the house and loves his Sunday afternoons falling asleep in front of the TV (“watching” whatever sporting event happens to be on). At least that’s how he used to be. But he’s changing and I’m more than a little worried.
Recently he received a package wrapped in a plain brown envelope. Intrigued (maybe a little “pick me up” for a flagging sex life), I decided to sneak a peek. Instead of a naughty magazine or DVD, I was surprised (and, admittedly, a little disappointed) to find a strange elasticized foundation garment. It was, in fact, a male girdle, apparently known as a “mirdle”. I was stunned. And when we went out for dinner last night he ordered wine instead of beer, and even insisted on tasting it first. He’s as loving as ever, perhaps even more demonstrative than usual, but just not himself.
What happened to the scruffy, macho trucker man I married?
Missing My Macho Man
Your husband has been infected with a disease known as “metro-sexuality” which has become epidemic among heterosexual men, especially in urban areas where there is a good selection of spas and fitness centers. This is a progressive illness and it would be well that you prepare yourself for what’s coming.
It begins with seemingly benign symptoms. He may, for example, sign up for cooking lessons, compliment your outfits or offer an unsolicited opinion about the wallpaper you’re considering for the dining room. He may seem uncharacteristically aware of the color of his socks. Little by little the afflicted male will begin to develop unusual grooming habits. Thus, the man who used to only occasionally remember to tuck in his shirt will be constantly checking himself out from various angles in the mirror. He will use multiple hair products – at the same time and count calories.
Soon he will be exfoliating and perusing issues of GQ and Details magazines. After spending hours agonizing over whether wax, laser or depilatories are best to remove back hair, he’ll go out and purchase a Mangroomer. You’ll receive clear and specific hints about the model of upscale juicer he wants for his birthday.
Often the disease progresses towards a penchant for titanium jewelry and cashmere scarves. He may price out liposuction. In the final stages, he is likely to complain that the two of you don’t “talk enough” and incessantly share his feelings about your relationship.
You should know, and perhaps can take comfort in the fact, that celebrities such as David Beckham, Brad Pitt and Hugh Jackman also suffer from chronic metro-sexuality and seem to be able to live normal lives (for them, anyway). Which is fine, I guess, if your husband happens to be David Beckham, but not so much if you’re married to a paunchy, middle-aged, balding man who has inexplicably taken to carrying a manbag and watching Project Runway.
Well, I have to be honest with you Missing, the prognosis is grim and there is no known cure. Not that some wives haven’t tried, resorting to such tactics as squirting testosterone in his carrot juice or hiding the anti-wrinkle cream. All to no avail.
But on the bright side – no more worries about where to go on vacation, you’ll both opt for the spa, booking side-by-side mani-pedis, and he’s sure to be much more helpful around the kitchen. And then you’ll have someone to share a box of Kleenex with when Deborah Kerr can’t get off the couch at the end of “An Affair to Remember”.
So stand by your metro-man, smooth skin and all, but don’t forget to hide your good purse.
Alisa Singer’s humorous essays have appeared in a variety of print and online newspapers and magazines across the country and in Canada.
She is the author of various gift books designed to entertain and amuse baby boomers. You can learn more about her work and purchase her books by visiting her website: www.AlisaSinger.com or contacting her at ASingerAuthor@gmail.com.